I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
