woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize