Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
