I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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