theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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