At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
