My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
