Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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