Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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