I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
