She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize