I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
