I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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