I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
