I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My vagina is officially offended.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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