A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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