Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Randomize
