my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize