I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
