Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
