the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
