i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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