I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize