What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
