No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
