He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
