M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
