I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
