i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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