There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
