i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
