toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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