Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
