I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Dignity is for republicans.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
So many bounce houses so little time
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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