I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
