yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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