hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
