Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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