Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
