Your favorite bartender is back from prision
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
