I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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