Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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