so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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