I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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