; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
