I wish I could teleport
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
