Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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