i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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