On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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