i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
