his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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