I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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