i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
In other news, I just burned my penis
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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