So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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