"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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