I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
