i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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