And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
