I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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