my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
