She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
